bzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz

Bookcase recently informed me that while she was visiting my lovely home she decided to try out my vibrating razor thing as a masturbatory tool. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. On that note, we are now embarking on what could be a dangerous journey of attempting to use every electronic, battery operated, or solar operated item we can possibly find as sex toys. We are currently stuck at: toothbrush, cellphone, before mentioned razor thangy and uhmmm, well really that is it. WHICH IS LYKE NO PHUN D00DS.

Suggestions?

who wants to play?

matt by jacobs by marc by marc jacobs by marc jacobs

this trip has been something else, lemme tell you. well, actually i wont, and ill save it for a giant post with pictures to follow later so that ya'll can get the whole tale blow by blow.

highlights include:

driving around crackheads
hiding in porta potties from the police
having a soy dog eating contest with someone named "Bobo"
setting up a face painting booth on River Street with only a sharpie

oh dont worry, theres more.

gf aside retail employees give great eye contact.

yay spring break Oh10.

4 hours

and Bookcase will be in my bed. We shall drink whiskatea outta wine glasses and cuddle like no tomorrow. STOKED.

LOLOMG

the ins and outs of anal

Bookcase and I talk about anal penetration almost as much as we talk about vag vomit, and for your information the words "vag vomit" leave our mouths at least 40 times a day, so yeah, we talk about anal sex A LOT. since we talk about it so much I have decided to do an entry on anal etiquette for all you fuck wads who don't what to do when it comes to the butthole.

Two Rules, Dudes:

FIRST. AND FOREMOST. ASK. Listen folks, it's not that complicated, just ask us if we want something up our butt. Don't assume that we DO want something up our ass, but also don't assume that we DON'T want something up our ass, so that is why asking is an easy solution. Then once you have that discussion with us and you are having some what consistent sex with us then you will begin to know when is an appropriate time for butt pleasure and you won't necessarily have to ask, but generally, it's a good idea to get the a-okay.

SECOND. AND EQUALLY IMPORTANT. LUBRICANT. No matter the size or shape of the object entering our buttholes please please please make sure it is lubricated. The first choice for lubricant would be that we have extra juicy vaginas and are able to use some of the yummy pussy juice to lubricate our ass hole, but most women aren't extra juicy, and when I say extra juicy, I mean really really extra juicy. Second choice would obviously be the lube outta the bottle, and folks, don't be stingy when it comes to lube, go for the more expensive (and preferably all natural) shit, nobody wants to use Dollar Tree lube, it just doesn't work. Now if you don't have access to lube (then you're a tard-face) you can resort to saliva. PLEASE NOTE: saliva is only acceptable when inserting fingers into the ass, anything bigger and it isn't going to work and you will get a fist in the face.

Before I go onto discussing my three favorite ways to take it in the ass I want to note that never ever stick something in our asses and then immediately stick that same thing in our vags. There is all kinds of unfortunate bacteria that will most likely lead to a vaginal infection and just isn't any fun, so make sure if you're gonna double dip you clean that shit. Pun fully intended.

Okay, yippie! We know the two rules to anal, now we get to talk about some of the ways we can do it.

1. Finger Penetration: Fingers are awesome, they can be used in so many cool ways to get us ladies off and one of those ways is by putting them up our asses. I'm sure ya'll all know to keep your nails trimmed so that there is no scraping and make sure your hands are clean. There are two ways the fingers can be used for anal pleasure. There is the more common of vaginal penetration by a dick/dildo/vibrator/other fingers, this would be the more intense of the penetrations and then a finger or two up the ass, this is fine and all, but I sometimes find it to be positionally awkward. Now my favorite way to use the fingers would be being dildo/dick up the ass and fingers in the pussy. By using a larger object to penetrate the ass you can stimulate the g-spot from behind and use the fingers to further add to that stimulation, this can make for a very pleasing and lush orgasm. I find that fingers are easier to use to find the g-spot through the vagina than something stiff as a dildo or penis.

2. Dildos and Dicks!: If you are having heterosexual sex then obviously you dudes love sticking your dicks up our asses, and quite frankly we probably like it just as much as long as you know what you're doing. A dildo works just as well for me, especially sense I prefer the ladies. It is very important to remember to change the condom when going from vagina to ass and vice versa. There really isn't that much that I can say about dildos and dicks with out it being kind of redundant with the fingers. Use them all together. The more the merrier right?

3. Butt Plugs Fuck Yeah: My favorite of the ass hole pleasuring tools would be the butt plug. A nice, little plug up the ass while being deeply penetrated in the vagina covers all the bases. I enjoy the butt plug because it frees up that hand that would otherwise be occupied with the ass or the vagina. So get this: with butt plugs you can get anal pleasure, vaginal penetration, AND have your hair pulled, or your face slapped, or your throat choked, you know, whatever your pleasure.

That's it, got questions? Shoot em' at me.

b-a-n-a-n-a-s

okay so my computer is all fucked up probably because of all the porn i downloaded so i have been deprived of the internetz for like a week now. FML. i feel like there is so much for to update ya'll with. first off, ya'll are looking at the brand new belle of the savannah lesbian ball. that's right, i somehow stumpled upon the dyke community here in safannie, and what can i say, i'm the new girl and i'm hot so of course things are going well, i am wanted by all. stupid thing about all of this? i already have drama. met this girl, let's call her ivy, ivy and i really hit it off, she is fantastic and smart and talented and yes i wanted to have sex with her. but i was on my period so we just made out on the hood of my car for almost an hour. fast forward a couple of days. i go to the bar with ivy, meet some of her frands (those dykes i was talking about earlier) and of course hit it off with all of them, ivy then leaves me at the bar to get dinner with a friend, which was okay because i was enjoying getting to know all these people. when she got back and saw how i was flocked by women who were vying for my attention she got all moody and stupid, EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HER THAT I WAS READY TO LEAVE AND THAT I WOULD DRIVE HER HOME HINT HINT HINT. but no she wanted to walk. whatevs. so i had midterms and papers and basically was in the dark hole of academia for a coupla days and when i crawled out i realized i hadn't heard from ivy in like three days. so i called, thinking she was busy too, finishing up her thesis and shit, and i was gonna ask her to dinner. bitch comes at me about how disrespectful at that bar that night and how she was really hurt. WTF. it's like, omg, we made out once and we are in a monogomous relationship? not to mention she is moving to new york city in less than two weeks. SO WTF CAN'T WE JUST HAVE FUN AND HAVE SEX? apparently not.

in other news, i met this girl, i'll call her frenchie cause she isn't french at all. frenchie is the most superb creature ever and even though she has a girlfriend i know we have a soul connection. and i don't care that bookcase made fun of me when i talked about her aura, all i know is that we had sparks (like sex sparks not the drink sparks) and i am not above being a homewrecker.

bookcase is coming in town for st. patty's day. get ready for some shit to hit the safannie fan.