fuck

we weren't reunited. i have scarlet fever which means i have this really gross rash all over my body and it itches like a mofo butt atleast it isn't the hiv. i gotta new job sellin shit by the river, it's neat cause i just get to sit there and watch the boats go by. still ebbin and flowin in savannah. haven't been horny at all during this ovulation period, weird. maybe i lost the horny. it was bound to happen sometime.

dolla dolla billz ya'll

alright people. we know you read this blog, we dont have that counter over there for nothing. yes yes ok... poota and i make up the majority of the hits recoreded im sure, but still.

we need money to get poota, sofie, soft taco, and the volvo up to my location and since poota dont have no job at the moment, she should hear back from one today, we are looking to you for help. HEY GAS STATION ATTENDANTS! I KNOW YOU READ THIS. GIVE POOTA FREE GAS AND SHE WILL MASTURBATE IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM (no you cant watch, isnt your imagination enuf?). I havent checked these things over with her, but im sure its fine.

if you pledge to send us money or gift cards and actually do it we will do the following:
1. we will record our entire visit together and let you see it. not any bathroom stuff tho, thats gross.
2. we will mail you lacy undies that poota has worn. sniff, lick, do whatever you want.
3. a grab bag gift with the "stalker" theme complete with pootas' cigarette buttz, discarded whiskey bottles, moon pie wrapers, and used mouthwash will be sent to you for your enjoyment. no shrine to us would be complete without it.
4. other surprises we wont tell you as incentive to fork over sum money will follow as well

seriously. poota wont take money from me so its up to you to get her here and reap the impending entertainment from the visit that ensues.

it's like the stars are getting to know us...

Bookcase,

Do you remember that time we tripped on mushrooms and we laid in front of the art building under the tall chairs and looked at the stars and it was amazing and trey said the stars were getting to know us, and then we went home and listened to sigur ros and spent ALL NIGHT talking about how fucked up everything was but how wonderful we were. I love that night. I miss you so much.

XOXOXO,
Poota

9 DAYZZZZZZZZZ

that's right folks. 9 motha fuckin dayz.

we havent seen each other since poota's bday and that is just not acceptable.

i can feel the asshole of my town clenching in anticipation.

hermafermamerma

I'm so over gender.

d00dz

i went to my first Savannah gay bar last night. shit was so classy, i was like, say what? def not the quest, THANK GAWD. they even had a stripper pole, which was AWESOME and the slutty dancing fag hags were even more AWESOME, and me trying to dance up on them was EVEN MORE AWESOME. i have things to talk about ya'll about yank, but i haven't even talked to Bookcase about it to process it so it's gonna have to wait. butt it could be good. 2 weex til hallo weenie.

i am not a homewrecker

i deal with people on a daily basis. some of them give me books to borrow, some smell of moth bawlz and the price is right, and others smell just fine, but this week i've encountered a different breed of bakery patron, the married man. two dayz ago jehovah (more on the name later) came up to me on my break, introduced himself, and said i was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. flattering, yes, disconcerning, yes. he started the conversation with, "im married, but i just wanted to tell you..."

wtf.

this has taken an unexpected toll on me. to make matters even more awkward he came in the next day and gave me his number.

to make matters tripley awkward today i found out he and his wife are jehovah's witnesses.

i'll admit i dont know much about the faith but surely there's something in there about infidelity.

i'll also admit that i'm a bit curious to know what jehovah's intentions are with me.
possible intentions i've thought of:
1. tawdry affair
2. platonic bffs (not the greek kind, that's reserved for poota)
3. brainwash me into joining his cult... er... religion
4. secretly date me and decide to divorce his wife and marry me (would never happen, but who knows what he's thinking)
5. kidnap me and hold as sex slave
6. take out on date and just want to talk and stare at me
7. be bff's with the notion that if he werent married he'd hit this
8. eat my face
9. win a bet?
10. torture me to learn the secret recipes for scones etc for the bakery

poota says i shouldnt call him.
twin says i should.
pimpadocious hasnt weighed in.

what to do? what to do?

i'll tell you something tho, this whole experience has made me extremely disenchanted about the notion of monogamy. not that i was convinced from the get-go, but i wanted to believe. that little gurl inside wanted to hold on to the glittery dream scene of me and a gurl/boy/great white shark together forever. yes, yes, that's what poota is for. i know. but we've both discussed this topic before, and she feelz the same. it'd be great to have someone say, "i really think youre great. let's make a go at this, because i could see myself with you for a long time." im not asking for a ring, been there, dumped that. i just think if youre married, if youre fucking, if youre engaged in any kind of relationship with anyone, you need to be upfront and know where you stand with them, before they hold your $60 dollar bottle of arnica oil hostage (see our below joint post for more information). what prompted jehovah to give me his number? is he not satisfied with his wife? is he tired of her vagina and jonesing for mine? or is he just looking for a pretty thing to be friends with?

also, poota: just show up at fucktards door with the police and demand your shit back. it works, trust me.

i see jehovah everyday. a little advice please, apprec.

omg

seriously am about to punch this child in the face. just give me my lube, arnica oil, and bag back. seriously. grow a pair.

badda bing badda boom

today i am going to get coffee with...a GIRL. thank you jesus. okay so what if we met over the internet. she was moving to savannah and approached me (because I am obviously a fine specimen) to show her around (my vagina) hahahahahaha, jk. i mean not maybe i don't know. all i know is that we have already had good conversations on gender and queer theory and I am looking forward to doing so face to face. with someone who knows what they are talking about.

I can't fucking wait for the epicness that will be halloween. bookcase and i are re-uniting for what may be the gnarlyest four days hendo has ever seen. I plan on getting fucked by someone in costume who i will never see again in an ally way in true halloween tradition. skore. that was a really awful run on sentence btw. don't care.

so part une of halloween costume will be Bookcase and I as:


brilliant of course.

and then the rest of the time I plan on looking and dancing like this:


which might actually make me fit in with the tard residents of assville.

8 days a week

yup, i have my period... well i did. not so much anymore. anyway, feeling alone and icky i decided that poota should have hers too. low and behold, miles apart, we cycle together. mmmmwwwaaaahahahaha. i think it really came down to if i'm not having sexxx she shouldn't be either.

so that was all bloody fun and games until we both started getting all emotional and shit, hence the ensuing posts this week. i guess this is my first one, but whatever. i dont have internet at the honey house so deal with it. i couldnt tell you where all this is coming from, but let me try and describe it to you.

poota and i are on the the phone as i type:

poota: boys suck. through all of our celibacy did we really learn all that we were supposed to learn? or does it all come down to me being a cancer, hopelessly worrysum and anxious about relationship shit? Is he just manifesting this behavior in me or am i doing this to myself?
me: whoa whoa whoa. lets think, what did we learn? what did we learn thats going to help us now? and not the masturation techniques perfected over those 8 months.
poota: i learned that i shouldnt really trust people and you should trust people more.
me: wait. what? what do you mean? i trust!
poota: ive decided i need a posse. i miss my gay boys. i always feel better when im surrounded by them, they are like a warm blanket, just out of the dryer.
me: cum back to me, focus.
poota: you know you dont trust people and you should start. i trust everyone. need i remind you about bill cosby in the alley. who's that gurl. la la la la.
me: hahahahahaha. ah yes. you are right.
poota: i trusted that # would be man enough to tell me what he's feeling and not just have sex with me for two months and look where its got me.
me: but maybe this is your opportunity to be upfront with him about how you feel, or maybe its your chance to check out other people.
poota: hell yeah, for shizzle imma check dat shit out real soon.
me: shoot gurl, hit it all up, get in there and work it.
poota: yeah yeah yeah, but actually im gonna have the poota version of "the talk" with what's-his-face real soon, just so he knows my intentions.
poota again: you got quiet, what are you thinking?
me: i feel like we've cum a long way from where we were, i think. maybe.
poota: no i think so. i just think about the relationships i do have and then think about you and me (virgo + cancer = l.o.v.e.) and we have such a great relationship that i compare and wonder why my other relationships arent as amazing as us. i know its gonna be a little different cuz i'm having sexx with the other person and we dont do that cuz of da whole booby thing, but i think there are some common threads there. maybe i have to high expectations for them.
me: could be. i think what it comes down to is that i know where i stand with you and you know where you stand with you. lyke, say the word and i'm on my way down there and vise versa with you. it's all about time. you and i have been through sum shit and that's what makes the relationship what it is. that's what it is right there.
poota: but you and i know where we stand cuz we tell each other, constantly. and if i didnt bring shit up where i stand with # would never get discussed.
me: if you never brought it up do you think he would eventually do it?
poota: i think they want us to bring it up.
poota: i gotta go wash this hair dye off my hair before it burns clear through to my brain.
me: yikes, go handle that.

tobecontinued...

majik moon

never fails EVERYTIME bookcases calls me and tells me she started her period I start mine before 12 hours have transpired. don't get me wrong, I love the fact that bookcase, jeff, and myself are all synced up and we don't live anywhere near each other, so obviously it's majic sisterhood shit, but like seriously, I wasn't suppose to start until like the 12th or 13th. wut da fuk d00dz. whatevs, just means I am gettin it over with.

my life is such a fucking joke right now, I keep gettin' the itch, and the itch don't do nothin' but bring trouble for me.

this lady

i work at a bakery. customer service isnt my forte so to speak hence why i like spending my time in the back with the baked goods. anyway, the times that i do spend up front interacting with the public is trying at times but let me people like this make the day go by so so much faster. she comes in the bakery everyday, gets two coffees, one scone, and asks for real milk, not the half and half i put out. i love her. how amazing, right?

squirt

i was having sex last night (SKORE) and i squirted(female ejaculated, common with g-spot orgasms) and i think it scared the crap outta #30182. haha.

SQUIRT.