I have always said that when I look at the past and all that has gone on in my life that I feel no regrets. These past few days have kind of gotten me wonderin' if that is just an easy way to cop out of dealing with issues and and all this self-hatred I have for myself. It is all a weird cycle for me, addiction, because when I am not a full-blown addict (coke, sex, painkillers, benzos, throwing up, whatever) I am constantly hitting myself over the head for the times that I was. Then I create these crazy high expectations for myself, expectations to make up for "lost time", expectations that are absolutely impossible to reach and then I get so depressed about never reaching my goals that I swing in to some sort of addiction. I just need to admit to myself that I do regret some aspects of being an addict (past, present, and future), but really I shouldn't, because yeah I did some real fucking shitty things, and I hurt a lot of people, and I was basically a big ole' turd, but I learned so much, I know more about myself than most people, and I am sure, one day, knowing how to create the perfect line of powder on someone's stomach will come in handy. Just not in the drug way. Maybe in the sexy sex powder kinda way. I dunno. On that note, hurrr:
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you cant help your past. you have to own it and move on. and its the people who know the things they do about you, and hold you up to the standards that they know you can achieve that matter.
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